Gift: A thing given willingly to someone without payment.
Did you know we give and receive gifts with invisible extras attached? After all, this is more than just a material world (you can read my thoughts on that here). While the things we pick out can be beautifully wrapped up and tied with bows, our motives, expectations and agendas, tag along for the ride. Sometimes these invisible extras are made explicit with conversation, other times they are purposely hidden, but still felt.
Jesus talks a lot about giving from the context of the heart but hardly mentions particular objects or amounts.
If we desire to GIVE like Jesus, we need to pay attention to what’s going on inside of us, because giving begins at the heart level.
As we draft our lists and begin Christmas preparations, let’s take a look at some simple truths about gifts that will free us to be the very best gift-givers. First, here’s my personal story of a gift-gone-wrong to put us in the mood.
A Merry Kick-off to the Season
Home from college, I worked at a charming little shop where I chewed my nails, wondered what was next for me and stayed after hours to watch the The Bachelor (way back when the contestants kept their clothes on). Fall in Minnesota always means invites to in-home-business parties with deliciously scented candles, tasty foods, cranberry/orange simmer-pots and kitchen contraptions that will make tantalizing finds for future garage sales. My lovely coworker threw such a party and invited me.
Though I’d sworn never to attend a mom-party (what I consider any party exclusively for women where being talked into buying things they won’t use is both welcomed and accepted practice), since all the friends my age were back at college, I went. To my surprise, I was quite entertained sitting amongst these friendly, chatty, giggling ladies (all twice my age), as they gossiped and sipped spiked cider.
I did the work of inhaling the hotdish, fondue and bars (all foreign words to me, an Arizona native), then I let my stretchy pants do their job while I sat back to study these Minnesotans.
Like an anthropologist on location, I was enjoying this new culture (why did I swear-off mom-parties again?) when the chattering abruptly stopped.
If white-knuckled grips on coffee mugs and sudden fumbling around for “cheaters” were an indicator, I wasn’t the only one noticing the mood shift.
My friend, the hostess, smacking newly applied lip-stick and adjusting her apron, giddily entered the room and said, “Please, don’t feel obligated to buy anything,” as one by one, we all accepted purchasing catalogs from her hand.
I hadn’t planned to invest money but after the entertainment and feasting, the tingling sensations of Minnesota-nice (known as obligation, duty or guilt in the other 49 states) rose up like acid reflux. I opened the catalog and dutifully played along.
Although I’d day-dreamed a future Merry—draped in aprons of white, serving my guests fancy, culinary delights and dips with veggies, meticulously sliced into carnations and flamingoes displayed atop coordinating dishes—I was broke, living in my parents basement. I couldn’t envision using the shrimp deveiner, so instead I went for the next least expensive item. . . a set of wooden spoons.
As I drove home that night, admiring the drizzle turning to twinkle-lights on my windshield, a light suddenly twinkled on in my brain, then burst into a full thought of brilliance! My mom’s kitchen crock was full of mismatched old spoons. . . these new wooden ones could be the beginning of her new-and-improved kitchen! Out with the old and in with the new!
Like planets aligning and watches synchronizing, within one nano-second, I believed this awkward party and obligatory purchase was of God’s own design:
THESE SPOONS WOULD BE THE CATALYST FOR CHANGE !!
—I mean, a GIFT for my mom and her kitchen—oh the joy!
Too excited to wait for Christmas, I kicked-off the season of giving (and home-improvement) at ten o’clock that night. I shoved the gift in a brown paper lunch-bag found in the glovebox, then scavenged something to bind the top. Spoons still poking out, I convinced myself this was acceptable, even cute.
Across the room from where I came up the stairs, mom sat in her usual spot, working on something creative (with the T.V. on for white noise). She was up later than normal—all part of God’s master plan—greeted me cheerfully then inquired about the party.
My giddiness over all the new and modern kitchen contraptions was well received; what wasn’t well received was the part when I digressed into outspoken disdain for her mismatched aesthetic (eclectic, as she liked to call it).
I hadn’t given her the gift yet (I was trying to build up for the big reveal), but the warmth from a few minutes ago was already replaced with ice-cold interrogation about my idea of generosity and what sort of gift this was. Taken aback (but still sure I was negotiating a deal on God’s behalf) I kept pushing her, anticipating the arrival of my heavenly side-kick to set my mom straight.
When my side-kick was a no-show and mom made it crystal clear she’d accept the gift but didn’t want the ‘kitchen over-haul’ that came with it, my temper blew. Instead of surrendering and walking over to hand her the lunch-bag and calling it a night, I drop-kicked it—spoons flying like Santa’s reindeer across the living room—and shouted, “MERRY CHRISTMAS!!”, as I stomped downstairs to my room.
The End
My actions may come as a shock, and while I hope you’ve never punted a present, I imagine you may relate. Certain situations or people can put us in the RED-ZONE; that’s the awkward zone where the gifts are obviously more about desired outcomes than the person.
Since the flying-spoon-fiasco, I’ve learned a lot about what it means to give and receive. For the purposes of this post, my focus is how to give well; I share how to receive well in my post here.
Thoughts and criticisms may be swirling in your mind (there is a lot there to critique, so have at it), but here are a few tips that I feel would have helped my situation tremendously—maybe they will help you too!
Check-in with the Holy Spirit before checking out.
If I’d run the spoon-set by the Holy Spirit first, He may have pulled the curtain back on my heart revealing the voice behind those feelings of guilt, pressure, obligation and people-pleasing; perhaps, I would have dropped the catalog and grabbed another pumpkin bar.
Instead, I listened to the wrong voice, used my cash to solidify agreement with the accuser, then tried to justify my purchase by morphing it into a gift. This wasn’t thoughtful, it was just more convenient. Buying was easier and more comfortable than saying, “No, thank you,” to the hostess or, “No,” to myself.
I fell for the lie. Do not be deceived, the virtue of generosity does not justify the sin of people-pleasing, giving-in to pressure, or compulsive or addictive shopping. Surrender your cart to Him before you purchase. It could save you money, time, impulse purchases, buyers remorse, and even explosive interactions with loved ones.
If you know you’ve bought things in the past out of guilt, obligation, compulsion or people pleasing, simply admit your sin before God (He already knows anyway), then ask the Holy Spirit to fill you freshly with His power, love, and self-control. He is generous and gives freely of Himself—His very Spirit of Wisdom to anyone who asks.
Giving means serving the other person, not ourselves.
I wanted a new kitchen space and the spoons would help me pitch the idea; serving my mom was nowhere in the mix. I could argue that mom would benefit from a kitchen make-over, but that was MY will and MY desire, not hers. I was giving a gift to get my own way. . . this is manipulation. Isn’t it scary how persuasive our self-gratifying flesh can be, even invoking God as an accomplice?
Our culture markets gift-giving as an appropriate way to help or guide others along the path, whether it’s the path of health, faith, spirituality, beauty, or even relationships and love. This may seem harmless, after all, we are helping our spouse get fit, our kids be more accepted at school or our loved ones come to faith, but when we participate in blurring the lines between love and manipulation (in an effort to exert control), it can make it hard for others to see what Jesus is like.
Jesus doesn’t bait-and-switch, play games, manipulate, control, or strong-arm; these are the world’s models for giving. Focusing on our image just keeps us tethered to self (instead of Jesus) and anxiously reasoning, “what will they think of me, and how can I manage the outcome?”, both self-centered questions. Some better questions might be, “What would they enjoy?”, or “What have they mentioned in conversation that would be a special gift?”
If you feel unsure about your gift idea, have a conversation, first with God, then with the person. Especially with unsolicited gifts, before you buy your teenager that trendy new wardrobe or your spouse a membership at the health club, receiving permission is a good way to stay out of the gifting RED-ZONE.
If your gift ideas are still more about you and having your way in other people’s lives, then (just like before), repent and start fresh, receive and welcome the Holy Spirit to gently remind your hardened or self-protected heart what giving looks and feels like.
It’s never too soon or too late to release your gift.
If I’d been less concerned about having my way (or my mom had been less astute), the Christmas kick-off might have been avoided. You’ll be happy to know what came of those spoons: I apologized to my mom a day or two later and she happily added them to her eclectic collection (where they probably still have their home). It’s never too late to release expectations or desired outcomes off the gifts you give and off the people you give them to.
God gives everyone the gift of free-will, so we cannot control people or how they will respond to our gifts, even if we try. Maybe you gave your graduate money for college; they bought a gaming system—release them. Maybe you inherited special family heirlooms; you sold them and hurt a relationship—release yourself. Maybe you bought a dinner-box membership to split up the cooking duties; you still cook most nights—release it. Give just like Jesus, with opened hands; it makes all the difference!
When we choose to hold the past in our hearts and bitterly obsess over how someone treated our gift or was ignorant of our expectations, it’s as detrimental as cursing ourselves and them. Unclean spirits (dark angels/demons), just like parasites, look for areas of hurt, disappointment, bitterness and unforgiveness as host sites, then keep the wounds open to torment and remind us of the wrongs we’ve done, or the wrong’s done to us. But Jesus (who knows the details of every charge, every case, every sin you’ve committed and sin committed against you) still says the time is now to release all debts and debtors; in fact, He commands we release if we also want to be released. In His act of great mercy, He took all of that stuff to the cross with Him so we could enjoy our freedom today. The best gift—His body in place of ours.
If any gifts, people or RED-ZONE situations are popping up in your memory, confess them to God, choose to forgive and release (by name) everything and everyone that the Holy Spirit brings to mind. If you were the victim of a gift-gone-wrong, you can do this too; release all the negative thoughts and feelings associated with it and choose to forgive the selfishness of the giver. Now released and forgiven, letting go of all offenses, enjoy the freedom of the Lord as you cheerfully and freely give this year!
Each person should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.
2 Corinthians 9: 7
Be the best gift-giver this year by first receiving God’s gift of freedom for your own heart! No more guilt, obligation, or shame as we keep aware of what’s going on inside of us while we buy and give our gifts.
Happy gift-giving!
Patty Renz
October, 2022Love this! Holy Spirit led🙌
Merry Sondreal
October, 2022🙂 So glad you enjoyed it, Patty! Thanks for reading and commenting!